• Meownir by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • What Story Will I Tell? by Madison Metricula Roberts in D • All the Pretty Horses (Drowning Song) by Madison Metricula Roberts in Am • The Adult in the Room (Padme’s Song) by The Salacious Crumbles in Em • Butter Battle Book by Madison Metricula Roberts in Em • Till We Have Faces by Madison Metricula Roberts in D • Nines (Frodo’s Song) by Madison Metricula Roberts in E • Ties That Bind by Madison Metricula Roberts in Dm • Peaceful Easy Three Hour Tour by Mashup in G • Catibrations by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • Friendly Robots Updated by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • Set Oven to 425F by The Salacious Crumbles in G • Spicy In, Spicy Out by Madison Metricula Roberts in C • Rage Becomes Her by Madison Metricula Roberts in E • Out of All Them Bright Stars by Madison Metricula Roberts in C • Fake Pocket of Holding by Madison Metricula Roberts in A • Lord of the Memes by Madison Metricula Roberts in C
Here’s the songbook I’ll be pulling from for my set! Songs are alphabetical; I’m not sure which ones I’ll play, but there are lyrics and chords in case you want to follow along!
• The Adult in the Room (Padme’s Song) by The Salacious Crumbles in Em • All the Pretty Horses (Drowning Song) by Madison Metricula Roberts in Am • All That the Rain Promises by Madison Metricula Roberts in B • Baby Merchant by Cop Rock in Dm • The Ballad of Essie Tregowan by Mikey Mason in Am • Battle Hymn of the Murder Hobos by Madison Metricula Roberts in E • Bread and Salt by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • Buskin Boots (Pumped Up Kicks) by Hildegard von Blingin’ in G • Claire’s by Madison Metricula Roberts in A • Dead Hobbit by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • DnD Cowgirl by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • Fake Pocket of Holding by Madison Metricula Roberts in A • Friendly Robots Updated by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • I Choose You (Pokemon Love Song) by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • I Remember…Nevermind by The Salacious Crumbles in D • If Anyone Eats My Brains (I Want It To Be You) by Bryan Baker in G • Kilgore Trout Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me (Dean Winchester’s Song) by The Salacious Crumbles in Dm • Life’s a Simulation by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • Meownir by Madison Metricula Roberts in G • Nines (Frodo’s Song) by Madison Metricula Roberts in E • Ode to the Great Negotiator by Leigh Tyberg in G • Out of All Them Bright Stars by Madison Metricula Roberts in C • The Parting Meme by Madison Metricula Roberts in Am • Peaceful Easy Three Hour Tour by Mashup in G • Robin Merchant by The Salacious Crumbles in Dm • Scarborough Fair by Traditional in Am • Set Oven to 425F by The Salacious Crumbles in G • Spicy In, Spicy Out by Madison Metricula Roberts in C • Tatooine Lullaby by Leigh Tyberg & Madison Metricula Roberts in G • Ties That Bind by Madison Metricula Roberts in Dm • Till We Have Faces by Madison Metricula Roberts in D • What Story Will I Tell? by Madison Metricula Roberts in D • Wind and Rain by Traditional in G
Here are the songs I’m pulling from to make my setlist for my FotLR set and open filks! I’m not sure which ones I’ll play but here are the lyrics and chords for:
All That the Rain Promises by Madison Metricula Roberts in B
Baby Merchant by Cop Rock in Dm
Baker’s Oven by traditional in G
Bread and Salt by Madison Metricula Roberts in G
Buskin Boots (Pumped Up Kicks) by Hildegard von Blingin’ in G
Butter Battle Book by Madison Metricula Roberts in Em
Fake Pocket of Holding by Madison Metricula Roberts in A
The Game of Cards by Traditional in G
I Remember…Nevermind by The Salacious Crumbles in D
Intergalactic Horticulture by Madison Metricula Roberts in D
Leia Song by Leigh Tyberg in C
Life’s a Simulation by Madison Metricula Roberts in G
Long Black Veil by Traditional in D
Meownir by Madison Metricula Roberts in G
Nines (Frodo’s Song) by Madison Metricula Roberts in E
Out of All Them Bright Stars by Madison Metricula Roberts in C
Peaceful Easy Three Hour Tour by Mashup in G
The Question by Madison Metricula Roberts in A
Rage Becomes Her by Madison Metricula Roberts in E
The Rock Biter’s Lament by Madison Metricula Roberts in Am
Surviving by Madison Metricula Roberts in A
Till We Have Faces by Madison Metricula Roberts in D
What a Piece of Work Is Man by Hair in C
What Story Will I Tell? by Madison Metricula Roberts in D
I just found out Jordan Hester will avoid his already light active sentence (four weekends in county jail, non-concurrent and around his schedule) based on a legal technicality. The judge had no choice but to strike it, even though he didn’t want to.
I don’t care so much about the incarceration—the jail and prison systems are fucked and abusive themselves—but there’s an unexpected emptiness in seeing him luck out of part of the sentence.
I don’t care about him being “punished” so much as I want him seen for what he is and the harm he has caused.
I don’t expect remorse from him. I don’t even expect him to change his behavior, which is why I worry and care about what happens instead of “moving on”.
And it’s never really “over”, is it? It’s being haunted by his cold, ghoulish, lopsided smirk and the knowledge that there is no “fixing” this for me, or “justice”. “Moving on” just means living with this and coping, not letting it dissolve.
He tried to convince me to have a baby with him and I’m grateful I got out; the next girl didn’t until too late.
There’s always a next girl.
The reality is that no matter what we do, we can’t stop him throughout his life. We’ve just done our damndest to slow down his rate of “next girls” When you Google his name, mine will be there.
That’s a weight I don’t regret and don’t need a cookie for.
But I don’t feel brave; I feel sick. This sucks. And I live with anger and am not ashamed.
Like many of us, I saw “Baby Merchant” from Cop Rock featured on “Last Week Tonight” and was immediately enthralled. I chorded it out! It’s waiting on approval at Ultimate Guitar, but in the mean time: chords!
This is an acoustic version of “Baby Merchant”; to simplify the chords or make them more ukulele-friendly: 1.) transpose down one half step into Dm and use a capo on the first fret to raise the key back to Ebm (or D#m, depending on how your brainmeats look at the neck!) OR 2.) transpose up one half step to play it in Em (it won’t sound the same as the track, but you can absolutely still get your “Baby Merchant” on to it!
This is all just my best approximation from listening to it; if you think a different chord sounds better in a spot, go for it! I put all three keys below if you don’t have a transposer.
Baby Merchant
Cop Rock
Key: Ebm (original key)
[Intro]
[Ebm] [Gb] [Ab]
[Ebm] [Gb] [Ab]
[Ebm] [Gb] [Ab]
[Ebm] [Gb] [Ab]
[Verse 1]
[Ebm]When you’re shopping for a [Gb]dream come [Ab]true
[Ebm]A little package in a [Gb]pink or [Ab]blue
[Ebm]All depends on who you’re [Gb]talking [Ab]to
Now don’t you [Ebm]worry ‘bout a [Gb]thing
Cause you [Db]know I got the goods for [Ebm]you (yeah) [Gb] [Ab]
[Ebm]The city gives you such a [Gb]run-a[Ab]round
[Ebm]Those pencil pushes only [Gb]put you [Ab]down
[Ebm]But lawyers ain’t the only [Gb]game in [Ab]town
That’s a [Ebm]migraine and a [Gb]half
I won’t [Db]put you through
[Chorus]
I’m the [Ebm]Baby [Gb]Merchant, [Db]Tots-R-[Ab]Us
I give you [Ebm]all the [Gb]service with [Db]no damn [Ab]fuss
Give the [Ebm]Baby [Gb]Merchant [Db]just a week or [Bbm7]two
[Ab] I’ll have your baby for [Ebm]you [Gb] [Ab]
[Ebm] Oo-woo-[Gb]oo-oo, yeah[Ab]
[Verse 2]
[Ebm]I always got a good [Gb]supply at [Ab]hand
[Ebm]Deliver anything that [Gb]you de[Ab]mand
[Ebm]A piece of heaven for [Gb]eleven [Ab]grand
That's a [Ebm]small price to [Gb]pay
For a [Db]toddler today[Ebm] [Gb] [Ab]
[Ebm]It ain't a question of [Gb]morali[Ab]ty
[Ebm]I'm not concerned with any [Gb]trumped-up ille[Ab]gality
[Ebm]We're just on big happy [Gb]fami[Ab]ly
It's a [Ebm]pleasure doing [Gb]business
The A[Db]merican Way
[Chorus]
I’m the [Ebm]Baby [Gb]Merchant, [Db]Tots-R-[Ab]Us
I give you [Ebm]all the [Gb]service with [Db]no damn [Ab]fuss
Give the [Ebm]Baby [Gb]Merchant [Db]just a week or [Bbm7]two
[Ab] I’ll have your baby for [Ebm]you [Gb] [Ab]
[Bridge]
[Gb]Picture yourself in your [Ab]house with a new son or [Ebm]daughter
[Gb]No one at all has to [Ab]know
That the parents who [Bb]brought her up [C]bought her
[Chorus]
From the [Ebm]Baby [Gb]Merchant, [Db]Tots-R-[Ab]Us
I give you [Ebm]all the [Gb]service with [Db]no damn [Ab]fuss
Give the [Ebm]Baby [Gb]Merchant [Db]just a week or [Bbm7]two
[Ab] I’ll have your baby
[Ab] I'll have your baby for [Ebm]you [Gb] [Ab]
[Ab] I'll have your baby for [Ebm]you
Baby Merchant
Cop Rock
Key: Dm
[Intro]
[Dm] [F] [G]
[Dm] [F] [G]
[Dm] [F] [G]
[Dm] [F] [G]
[Verse 1]
[Dm]When you’re shopping for a [F]dream come [G]true
[Dm]A little package in a [F]pink or [G]blue
[Dm]All depends on who you’re [F]talking [G]to
Now don’t you [Dm]worry ‘bout a [F]thing
Cause you [C]know I got the goods for [Dm]you (yeah) [F] [G]
[Dm]The city gives you such a [F]run-a[G]round
[Dm]Those pencil pushes only [F]put you [G]down
[Dm]But lawyers ain’t the only [F]game in [G]town
That’s a [Dm]migraine and a [F]half
I won’t [C]put you through
[Chorus]
I’m the [Dm]Baby [F]Merchant, [C]Tots-R-[G]Us
I give you [Dm]all the [F]service with [C]no damn [G]fuss
Give the [Dm]Baby [F]Merchant [C]just a week or [Am7]two
[G] I’ll have your baby for [Dm]you [F] [G]
[Dm] Oo-woo-[F]oo-oo, yeah[G]
[Verse 2]
[Dm]I always got a good [F]supply at [G]hand
[Dm]Deliver anything that [F]you de[G]mand
[Dm]A piece of heaven for [F]eleven [G]grand
That's a [Dm]small price to [F]pay
For a [C]toddler today[Dm] [F] [G]
[Dm]It ain't a question of [F]morali[G]ty
[Dm]I'm not concerned with any [F]trumped-up ille[G]gality
[Dm]We're just on big happy [F]fami[G]ly
It's a [Dm]pleasure doing [F]business
The A[C]merican Way
[Chorus]
I’m the [Dm]Baby [F]Merchant, [C]Tots-R-[G]Us
I give you [Dm]all the [F]service with [C]no damn [G]fuss
Give the [Dm]Baby [F]Merchant [C]just a week or [Am7]two
[G] I’ll have your baby for [Dm]you [F] [G]
[Bridge]
[F]Picture yourself in your [G]house with a new son or [Dm]daughter
[F]No one at all has to [G]know
That the parents who [A]brought her up [Bb]bought her
[Chorus]
From the [Dm]Baby [F]Merchant, [C]Tots-R-[G]Us
I give you [Dm]all the [F]service with [C]no damn [G]fuss
Give the [Dm]Baby [F]Merchant [C]just a week or [Am7]two
[G] I’ll have your baby
[G] I'll have your baby for [Dm]you [F] [G]
[G] I'll have your baby for [Dm]you
Baby Merchant
Cop Rock
Key: Em
[Intro]
[Em] [G] [A]
[Em] [G] [A]
[Em] [G] [A]
[Em] [G] [A]
[Verse 1]
[Em]When you’re shopping for a [G]dream come [A]true
[Em]A little package in a [G]pink or [A]blue
[Em]All depends on who you’re [G]talking [A]to
Now don’t you [Em]worry ‘bout a [G]thing
Cause you [D]know I got the goods for [Em]you (yeah) [G] [A]
[Em]The city gives you such a [G]run-a[A]round
[Em]Those pencil pushes only [G]put you [A]down
[Em]But lawyers ain’t the only [G]game in [A]town
That’s a [Em]migraine and a [G]half
I won’t [D]put you through
[Chorus]
I’m the [Em]Baby [G]Merchant, [D]Tots-R-[A]Us
I give you [Em]all the [G]service with [D]no damn [A]fuss
Give the [Em]Baby [G]Merchant [D]just a week or [Bm7]two
[A] I’ll have your baby for [Em]you [G] [A]
[Em] Oo-woo-[G]oo-oo, yeah[A]
[Verse 2]
[Em]I always got a good [G]supply at [A]hand
[Em]Deliver anything that [G]you de[A]mand
[Em]A piece of heaven for [G]eleven [A]grand
That's a [Em]small price to [G]pay
For a [D]toddler today[Em] [G] [A]
[Em]It ain't a question of [G]morali[A]ty
[Em]I'm not concerned with any [G]trumped-up ille[A]gality
[Em]We're just on big happy [G]fami[A]ly
It's a [Em]pleasure doing [G]business
The A[D]merican Way
[Chorus]
I’m the [Em]Baby [G]Merchant, [D]Tots-R-[A]Us
I give you [Em]all the [G]service with [D]no damn [A]fuss
Give the [Em]Baby [G]Merchant [D]just a week or [Bm7]two
[A] I’ll have your baby for [Em]you [G] [A]
[Bridge]
[G]Picture yourself in your [A]house with a new son or [Em]daughter
[G]No one at all has to [A]know
That the parents who [B]brought her up [C]bought her
[Chorus]
From the [Em]Baby [G]Merchant, [D]Tots-R-[A]Us
I give you [Em]all the [G]service with [D]no damn [A]fuss
Give the [Em]Baby [G]Merchant [D]just a week or [Bm7]two
[A] I’ll have your baby
[A] I'll have your baby for [Em]you [G] [A]
[A] I'll have your baby for [Em]you
Psych: hester is “quite introverted at heart” “plagued with self doubt” “he is unlikely to show that to other people” “very slight elevation on the anti-social scale”
Psych: sexual deviance: is difficult to assess when someone is interested in BDSM, psych didn’t feel like there was enough info to qualify as sexual sadist
My take: this is some bullshit if they think he’s “fine” now as if losing his job and having a girlfriend makes him stable Psych: recommended probation, teccommented he not work in a restaurant or bar and avoid alcohol
DA: pushing for recognition of lack of empathy and remorse in his actions Defense: but he’s only here for videos so it’s okay because he’s here for low risk of recidivism for videos
Judge: yiu said he admitted to committing a sex offense but not the excitement of conmitting a se offense Psych: “he wanted to feel internally powerful over these wonen”
Psych: “he did not admit to doing anything sexual without consent other than the videos” “When ge said “I’ve never forced anybody in a sexual act”” “I stopped asking about what he wouldn’t admit”
Psych: “nobody who feels great about themselves treats women thst way” Basically that he was raping women to make himself feel better but he feels better about himself now so it’s okay?
Judge “engaging in a pattern over a twenty year period is… If the allegations that he’s engaged in conduct like this over a 20 year period is thst not a good predictor if the future?”
Defense: you have to consider if he’s a danger to the community They’re arguing he doesn’t need to register because he’s not a risk to minors and most of the sex offender rules protect minors
Wake County Superior Court Judge A. Graham Shirley, 20 November 2020 regarding the case of Jordan Hester:
“With respect to the request that he be required to register as a sex offender, the court has considered the evidence offered and the statements offered and I’ll tell you the two things that have given me the greatest concern are the fact that he has–one of the primary reasons for the behavior for which he plead guilty dealt with his low self-esteem and self-worth. While he has been in counseling for three years, he’s barely scratched the surface of addressing that issue. The court is not confident that in another five years that will be addressed or what will happen after the five years has passed us.
More importantly, when his own expert tells me that she would not want to be supervised by him–that he should not supervise women–I’m being told that he should not supervise 51.9% of the workforce in this state. The only reason I can conclude that that was recommended was because his own expert thought that he was a danger. To say he cannot supervise women and she wouldn’t want to be supervised by him means that she would not trust him to be in a power of authority over her.
That directly put us back to [the expert’s] reasoning that she believed he committed the offenses because he wanted to feel like he had control.
For those reasons and all the evidence we have, the court finds that he is a danger to the public and is going to require him to register on the sex offender registry for a period of thirty years.”
