When It Rains…

April 7 2009, 10:55pm

I got back to my apartment at 11:15pm last night. As I entered the lobby a person walked past me, heading out. I thought nothing of it. Suddenly I heard a British voice, “Hey Mate?” He startled me for a second, but I turned around regardless. “Mind if I borrow your umbrella?” “Umm…” I stalled as the worst possible outcomes flashed through my mind in nanoseconds. “It’s not really my umbrella. I can’t just let you borrow it.” “I live in 7D. I was just heading out and noticed that it’s raining. I’ll drop it off at the end of the night. What apartment are you?” “I’m in 5F…” “Here,” he said, almost fed up. “I’ll give you my business card, so you have my number. And if I don’t bring you’re umbrella back, you can call me.” “Okay,” I resigned. I took his card and headed up my stairs. I figured now is as good a time as any to trust the universe. Depend on the kindness of strangers. Stop being so xenophobic! …Then out of curiosity I looked down at the card.

I was so perplexed I didn’t even notice the typo (I guess THIEVES can’t afford spell check). I turned around and ran down the stairs. I got to the lobby and noticed Mr. Perry Russerts jogging away, across the street. I sprinted after him. He noticed me. The chase continued for NINETEEN NEW YORK CITY BLOCKS. I was gaining on him, when stopped on a dime, turned around, and hit me with an open palm across my jaw/chin/neck area. I was startled. It didn’t hurt, it was just… shocking. He banged on the back of an available cab and hopped in. I started pounding on the window, trying to get the cabbies attention. Then, as the cab pulled away, I noticed the rear window lowered. Our thief leaned almost completely out of the opening and yelled “GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!” and threw my umbrella out of the cab onto the street. I picked it up and walked home with spirits high, and very dry.