Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports

January 5 2010, 5:59pm

WASHINGTON—"The vast majority of U.S. citizens are simply not receiving the physical punishment they deserve," said Masochism Bureau chief Geoff Knowlton, who was permitted by his mistress Alexandria to meet with reporters despite being unfit for anything besides groveling at her boot heels.